These were taken on an interstate adventure – detailed text of this adventure is to come. They’re shit quality cause I haven’t got a memory card for it yet and cause I’m a shit photog. Enjoy. MJ

The designers of the apartment we stayed in didn't believe in shower privacy. They're revolutionary. Probably Swedish or Japanese or something.

The drive to Brisbane Laneway was inspiring. Many a beautiful artwork was created.

This was outside an Asian hairdressers in Brisbane. The guy on the right looks like one of my friends, Ivan Bittler. Exactly. The guy on the left looks kinda sorta like his dad.

I walked around drawing shitty werewolf faces on people's wrists while yelling "Mark of the beast!". Note the mid-strength beer that we had to drink all day. $7 a can.

Obligatory drunken ground photo.

Thom Pringle - This kid does skateboard tricks on waves and is steezy as all shit. He likes The Black Lips and long walks on sunny mornings.

Here is some more random crap produced from the lethal combination of procrastination, a taste for being a smart-arse douche-bag, and a website called Omegle. If you’re unfamilar with Omegle it’s basically a site where you start talking to stranger until either of you ends the conversation. What is it’s purpose? I have no idea. MJ 

For some reason I can’t copy the conversations in as they appear with the right colours and stuff. Like it matters.

Omegle conversation log 2009-10-09

Connecting to server…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hey

You: let me start by sayin I don’t have any STD’s so don’t believe what you read on the internet about me

Stranger: ..

Stranger: std?

You: Special time defficiencys

Stranger: what does that mean?

You: it’s a disorder where people forget what time they’re in

You: you can have multiple times at once

Stranger: oohh

You: you can have up to ten STD’s at any one time

Stranger: wait

You: Yeh

You: Oprah is the most famous

You: she has three STD’s

Stranger: so you think youre in the renaissance and the miedieval and the year 3000?

Stranger: sorry i dont get it ..

Stranger: is it something like that?

You: nah more like different parts of your life

You: or like different parts of the year

Stranger: ohh

You: the weirdest part is it’s contagious

You: You have to be careful or you can catch an STD off someone

You: I used to have a couple STD’s

You: but I’m all cleared up

Stranger: oohh ok

Stranger: thats good, right?

You: yeh Oprah has like three STD’s

You: yeh I’m heaps better

You: my girlfriend gave me my last STD

You: I should say ex girlfriend actually

You: bitch

You: sorry for my language

You: She got her STD off some jerk I don’t like

Stranger: ooh ok

Stranger: i still dont get it so much

Stranger: eh, is it like. a fever? something like that. how do you get it?

You: it’s a fever that comes and goes

You: there are different types

Stranger: a virus or something

You: and some are permanent

You: but they inly break out every so often

You: and if you get really close to someone you can catch it off them

Stranger: hm ok

You: I gave an STD to my friends mum once

Stranger: and if you have it. then what?

Stranger: ohhh ok

You: well you need to get it checked out by the doctor

Stranger: WAIT

You: and if you have one you shouldn’t get close to anyone for a little while

Stranger: do you mean, sexually transmitted disease?

You: unless you’re a jerk like the guy my ex was with

Stranger: im searching it at wikipedia

You: what is a sexually transmitted disease?

Stranger: nah nevermind

You: ok cool

You: so yeh, be careful out there

You: especially when dating, that’s when most STD’s are caught

You: my stupid bitch of a girlfriend

You: ah sorry about the language again

Stranger: nah ok

Stranger: i dont get it at all actually but im trying

You: Have you heard of Zach Braff?

Stranger: kinda, i dont know who he is though

You: from scrubs?

You: well he gets STD’s all the time

You: but a lot of people say he desrves it

You: ohhhh Paris Hilton has a lot of STD’s too

You: yeh don’t get too close to Paris Hilton

Stranger: ooh

Stranger: wait.

Stranger: now

Stranger: is it like, when you have sex. those kind of diseases? or is it in the head something

You: Sex?

You: what are you talking about? I’m talking about STD’s

Connection imploded.

Omegle conversation log 2009-10-09

Connecting to server…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: im horny

You: finally

Stranger: what?

You: someone on the same page

Stranger: oh great

Stranger: how horny

You: so what are you gonna do about it then

You: tell me

Stranger: what would you like me to do

You: I’d like you to pretend to be my black slave in the early 1900s

Stranger: eh no

You: what you’re not into that

You: ok well you suggest a scenario then

Stranger: school

You: ok who are you

Stranger: de teacher

You: ok I’ll be the janitor

Stranger: y

You: “well hey there, is there something I should clean up?”

Stranger: yes

You: “should I get my … mop … out?”

Stranger: ooh yes please

You: “ok then so where is this mess?”

Stranger: in my office

You: walks into office “Oh man you spilt coffee all over the table”

Stranger: are you coming?

You: “Yeh I’m clearing the table”

You: “I think your computer is damaged”

Stranger: Fuck Me

You: “I know it’s bad! that has to be like a couple grand down the drain”

You: “Maybe the i t staff can fix it”

Stranger: Lick my pussy

You: “I do not see a cat anywhere but that would not be my method of cleaning your cat”

You: “where is he”

Stranger: now

You: “what’s his name?”

Stranger: between my legs

You: “I don’t see a cat there at all, anyway I should go get some chemicals to remove this stain”

You: “this wood could get ruined”

Stranger: have sex with me

You: “I’m not sure I understand, I know I am a lowly janitor and all but you’re going to have to explain how to clean this office up in laymans terms”

Stranger: sorry?

You: “I’m going to have to throw out these files

You: “they are soaked right through”

You: “you really made one hell of a mess with this coffee”

You: “what were you thinking”

Stranger: i came all over them

You: there is a knock on the door – “I think it’s a student”

Stranger: hide

You: “why would I hide, I need to clean up this mess if you’re going to be able to work in here”

Stranger: ok

You: “what time is it?”

You: “Is it 6th period yet?”

Stranger: time to fucking have sex with me

You: “geeze I just can’t get this coffee stain off the table”

You: “I’m getting the job done as fast as I can Mamm”

Stranger: dont mind that

You: “Oh and would ya look at that, there is coffee all down the side of the table and on the floor too”

You: “this could take hours – look I suggest you get back to your classes”

Stranger: dont mind that either

You: “I’ll have everything fixed up for you by the time you get back”

You: “Are you going to get that door?”

Stranger: i got some coffee on me,do you mind if i get dressed here

You: “That student has been waiting an awful long time?”

You: “yes that’s fine, I’ll step outside, let me know when you’re done.”

Stranger: no,stay here

You: *whistles while walking outside – door slams shut*

Stranger: your no fun

You: calling from outside the office – “Are you almost done mam?”

Stranger: yes

You: “I really need to clean this up and get to the basketball court”

You: “A kid has thrown up all over the place”

Stranger: your no fun i thought you were horny

You: walks back in “nothing gets me off like cleaning”

You: “I just unloaded all over your door”

You: “and now I get to clean again – yay”

Stranger: what

You: “you should probably take off, I’ll be no good for another half hour”

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle conversation log 2009-10-09

Connecting to server…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: u smoke

Stranger: weed

Stranger: pop x

Stranger: pop bars

You: what the fuck are pop bars

Stranger: sip drank

Stranger: bars are xanax

You: I once smoked my toenail clippings

Stranger: impossible

You: I did it man

Stranger: im go try it

You: it’s not a very good high though

You: kinda speedy

Stranger: from all that fungus and toe jam

Stranger: it burns slow right

You: you have to file them down into a powder though obviosly

Stranger: thats too much work bro

You: you can snort it too

You: it’sprobably better snorted

Stranger: u serious

You: yeh man

Stranger: im doin it right now

Stranger: u know what

You: what?

Stranger: take a shit, put it in the oven, bake it until its dry….break it down, put it in a cigar and smoke ti

You: man that’s disgusting

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Omegle conversation log 2009-10-09

Connecting to server…

You’re now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: hello there

You: hello there

Stranger: cool

You: cool

Stranger: you don’y have ANY humour

You: Oh DON’Y I?

Stranger: nooo

Stranger: didn’t anybody tell you?

You: I really don’y hey

You: I don’y know what to do with myself

You: I don’y know about you

Stranger: so

Stranger: what you wanna know?

You: I don’y know, why don’y you tell me

You: about what you do and don’y like

Stranger: first

Stranger: are you girl ?

You: I don’y think that is important but yes

Stranger: no it’s not

You: don’y humour me for the sake of it stud

You: don’y act all smooth

Stranger: i don’t intend to..

Stranger: i’m andre

You: I don’y know about that

You: I don’y know any andres

Stranger: you can call that way

You: I don’y understand what you mean

Stranger: call me that way, girl

Stranger: ok?

Stranger:

You: I don’y think you should call me girl

You: I don’y think that is very polite

Stranger: but you didn’t tell me your age…

Stranger: if only..

You: you don’y get it

Stranger: no i got it

You: it’s about respect, don’y call anyone girl instead of their name

Stranger: you just want to be the stranger…

Stranger: you got it?

You: don’y patronise me

Stranger: how should i call you

Stranger: stranger??

Stranger: or hey you??

You: don’y be silly

You: just don’y call me girl ok, just don’y!

Stranger: ok stranger

You: I don’y believe you are a man

You: I don’y believe you are telling the truth

You have disconnected.

I like The Ruby Tramp.

It is new. It is mod.

There are large chandeliers.

The lychee cocktails are refreshing.

It is in Surfers.

You can tell.

One girl is wearing the Manning Cartell bondage dress.

Or a rip-off.

It is a rip-off.

To wear a dress that exposes the rib cage, one must be on the lighter end of the scale.

She is not.

She is round on the edges.

She has the light tan lines of a bikini top stretched over her tits.

She is blonde.

Everyone is blonde.

Fake tans blend into caramel couches.

House music plays.

It is loud and upbeat.

Everything is shiny.

Everything is paved in Dutch décor.

It is the size of a standard laundry.

It was previously a strip club.

But it is new.

And it is mod.

Again - stolen from The Ruby Tramp's website http://www.rubytramp.com.au

Sing it loud, you are the antichrist. You are an anarchist. You don’t know what you want (other than ridiculous consumer products) but you know how to get it. You want to destroy passers by … except that you won’t because really you don’t want to get into trouble, you have a job, come on, you have to work on Monday so you can get some money to afford these stupid fucking shoes.

How about just get a texta and write THE SEX PISTOLS on some old volleys if you must. And if you do spend too much money on these shoes, which are hell ugly anyway, don’t be surprised to hear passers by laughing whenever you wear them. MJ

If Anna Wintour and Valentino fucked, their illegitimate by-blow would be Arlo Weiner.

He is small. 

Pale. 

Awesome.

His hair is a short crew of brown.

His threads are from a time long gone.

Three parts Grandad’s-dead-let’s-raid-his-cupboard.

One part what-the-fuck. 

He is a pretentious prepubescent.

He rocks grade school in top hats and plaid. 

So chic.

So small.

And totes fab. 

I love you Arlo.

And I only pray you don’t get fat through puberty.

In Tongues on a different night to the one in the review. I dunno who took this photo but fuck damn shit it's a good'n!

By the time I arrived they’d started. You could hear their noise through the walls of The Birmingham. Enter through one door, walk past the bar, down the hallway, turn right, bypass that hallway, turn left down this one and enter the skinny dark room that is The Birmingham’s band room. On our left is the counter. The dude ticks my name off a list that is written in pen in no particular structure. The girl by his side draws an arrow, or a capital A, or something else on my wrist with black marker.

While there aren’t too many people, you can’t see shit from the bar or anywhere that isn’t within two metres of the band. The sound is fast and technical, kind of like Bloc Party but the singing is an intense fast talking, not rapping. Fast talking in rythm, like that punk poet who plays himself in the film Control. His name escapes me. The singer is a member of the Iggy Pop school of frontman performance. At some point in the show he becomes shirtless, his skinny sweaty torso comes into the crowd. He moves aggressively with the music. Last time I saw this band he read from a sheet of paper and pretended to cry during one song. That doesn’t happen this set and I’m thankful. He’s good, he throws his heart into it and it looks as if he really believes what he’s singing, unfortunately I’m not really listening. The pace of his words would take more than one or two listens to pick up anyway. If I had to guess what they were about I’d say … I don’t know. Love. Maybe. Maybe not.

The rest of the band are seamless. Their timechanges work in effortlessly and the two guitarists compliment each other like twin sisters dancing in their bedrooms (what does that even mean?), they’re perfect. The lead guitarist dances better than most do without the awkwardness of a guitar hanging from their shoulders. His hair is fantastic also. These things are important in cool bands. The bass player, like all good bass players, goes unnoticed. I’m sure he must have done a good job.

On the bass drum sits a handwritten sign. “LAL 79 DEN 95″. Los Angelas Lakers had lost to the Denver Nuggets that morning. In Tongues are all for the victory of overpaid black men, underdogs in this instance. It’s refreshing in the sport hating world of indie music. 

Their last song is killer. It has a repetitive guitar bit that goes “dum da da, dum da da, dum da da, dum da da” throughout. My description sounds lame but trust me it’s awesome. My mate Alex, who hates all things hipster and pretentious, of which In Tongues could be labelled (if you were feeling harsh), turned to me and said, “If I heard this on my car radio I’d go and buy their album.” 

It’s true, they are a fucking good band. Still relatively fresh, hopefully they’ll get even better. Their sweaty live show is already worth your ten dollars. I’m pretty poor and will try and stay on the door list for future shows.

The following bands didn’t grab my attention, a screamo band, maybe, and another band with a big dude in a baeball cap. Bang and Next would be their venues of choice. They provided ok backing music for when I destroyed my mate at the pool table. It was the first time I’d ever actually seen a dacks run. A fitting end to a good gig. 21.5 stars. MJ